Dear Irelynn, It was a joyful, scary Thanksgiving. About a week before Thanksgiving, you had a cold. Then an incredibly hard, swollen mandibular lymph node. Then a fever. When I took you to the pediatrician, they ran a lot of blood work. The doctor said she just wanted to cover all her bases. When your EBV levels came back really high and CBC showed that you were slightly anemic, she started talking about possibly doing a biopsy and even used the word lymphoma. Oh my, do you know what that does to a mother's heart and her head. Horrible visions and thoughts were just dancing around in there. As you know, everything turned out ok, and what you had was actually a simple infection. However, I appreciate the doctors attentiveness and concern. What I want to tell you about though is what this experience did to me. It was on the ride home from work after researching our situation and talking with the doctor, and waiting on the lymph node to decrease in size and the fever to go away. I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety about what the future might hold for us and for our family. I felt this feeling of panic run over my body and tears flowed from my eyes. I realized that no mater what happened, it was out of my control. As I got closer and closer to home calm started to come over me as I accepted whatever was going to happen. My love for you and your sister and your dad grew even bigger if that is possible. I didn't know of anything more I could do to keep you from whatever it was that was making you sick, all I could do was love you and keep loving you. You see, baby, there is nothing that this world owes you. No garentees, no promises, and no fairness. You just have to do your best and love your best. When I got home things were different for me. It didn't bother me that the laundry wasn't done or that the dishes were dirty. It didn't matter that much was left to do before bed. It didn't matter that your dad didn't finish his last project or say the right words. None of it mattered anymore. All that mattered was that I was with you and your sister and we loved on each other. And, Dad was there with us loving on us. And he played with you and Livie and rolled around with you in the floor and it was loud in that house. The dogs barked and you guys screamed, and it was beautiful. It was my life. I know as things get back to normal that that since of joy will fade a little bit at times. I wish I could bottle it up and pour myself a glass when I get caught up in trivial challenges. I know it will all be ok and I am thankful, so very thankful that in that moment fear turned to gratitude and love. Love Always, Mom

Enjoy the now...

This is much easier said than done.  You will hear this many times throughout your life.  Being a nurse, I get the opportunity to talk with patients that are nearing the end of their lives.  People handle this in different ways.  You have to balance this concept. You can't  live just for the moment all of the time.  In fact, may times it is the hope for the future that keeps the present tolerable.  I think the important thing is not to put off the joy of the present in hopes of a better future.  Don't miss the beauty of now.  Continue to save money for things, study, eat right and train your body for future endeavors.  But, don't wait to enjoy what you could be enjoying now.  Some things, if put off, will never happen.  Take chances without fear and, as much as you can, enjoy now.
It is so much fun to watch Livie and Irelynn enjoying the simplist things that life can bring.  Watching baby Livie light up as she sees her toes or giggle when I rub her belly.  Now that is living.

Time

Dear Daughter,

Time moves quickly.  Even if you have a day or even a month that you believe are passing slow, when you think back on it, it is very likely that you will realize that without noticing, you moved on from that moment.  I had a wonderful maternity leave and spent wonderful time with all of you. I feel incredibly blessed that I was able to spend this summer at home. I got one of you ready for college, one of you potty trained and helped one of you through your first three months of life. I know that time passes very differently for each of you, but it is not as different as you may think. You all want to be happy in the moment and need to have things to look forward to in the future. Livie, you want so bad to get your thumb in your mouth. You are stretching and pulling, discovering your limbs and learning to contract the different muscles in your body. Your goal, I can tell, is to get your thumb into your mouth. If this is what you want, it will soon happen and I am proud of your persistance. Irelynn, you and I spent an entire day watching Elmo Potty and sitting on every toilet in the house until maraculously, you pooped in the potty like a big girl. I was inspired by your pride and we went over to Grammy and Pappa's that night so that you could get your purple bike. Katie, you worked and dreamed made your way into ASU, a beautiful and wonderful world where your life will start becoming your own. You will learn so much about yourself and the world. And, I can't wait to watch this adventure unfold. All of my girls in different places, but somehow time passes along just the same for each one of you. I hope and pray that you will use this time wisely throughout your lives. I hope you will use it to nourish your body and sole. Take care of yourselves. There is nothing selfish about giving yourself what you need. Relax, but not too much. Life has much to offer you and your desire to seek things out will reward you with fullness. Time will be your best friend and worst enemy but you can't change how much you have. You can only change how you use it. Love Always, Mom